Weekend: I Remember When…My Mother Wanted Me Dead

Devotion for Friday, Saturday, Sunday 3/26 – 29

Our Father will always make a way. He will make sure that you will get to your divine appointment – and then let all Heaven break loose.

Read Luke 9 (this Scripture passage is available at the end of this devotion).

I Remember When…My Mother Wanted Me Dead

Thinking about my mom who passed away in 1985, I was imagining meeting her in heaven when I surprised myself: I didn’t want to see her! I was shocked. Why would I feel this way? I always thought when I went to heaven, I would be thrilled to see her.

But I felt as though I didn’t even want to be anywhere around her. I sat back. “Where did that come from?” I am now 50 years old, and I never, ever had those type of feelings before. Where did this come from?

I have good memories of my mother. She was strikingly beautiful, and she was a strong woman. She had to be. With an alcoholic husband who was an absentee father, she was the one who kept us together.

My mom made a clean break from her former country and embraced her new one. Whereas my father still loved Hungary, my mother was an American from day one. She decided that this was her home. I was proud of both of them when they became American citizens.

My mom learned how to speak English by watching TV, with the help of my dad. With her accent she sounded like Eva Gabor. It made it very interesting when I went to school; I would pronounce certain words in unusual ways. When my younger brother and sister started school, I had to sit down with them to make sure they didn’t sound like they were speaking in tongues.

This was a Hungarian mama, and good things always happened when she spent time in the kitchen. She was an excellent cook, and she also gave us warm memories with her baking.

In a Hungarian family you ate a lot and argued about everything. We could get very loud and boisterous. It didn’t matter what we talked about, it could be the arms race and the extermination of the whole human population – my mom would always give sound advice: eat first, argue later.

A Eastern European mom, she would spoil her sons (I just wish Leona would understand this). I never made my bed. I never washed my clothes. Mama always made sure little her Jimmy was well fed. I would receive all kinds of abuse from my friends in High School with them imitating my mom spoiling me.

But the earliest memory I have of my mother is when she wanted me dead.

I can remember that day as if it was yesterday: it was a beautiful sunny day, and we took a walk to pick up my dad at work. The machine shop he worked at was next to the Cuyahoga River, in downtown Cuyahoga Falls, Ohio.

As we walked across the bridge my mom suddenly stopped. She picked me up and held me over the railing, with my face facing her. With my legs dangling in mid air, I looked down and I saw the water below. I looked back up and into her eyes…I could sense that she meant to let me go. Then I heard someone yelling – it was my dad. He called out to my mom to stop. She brought me back – to herself and safety.

You know, I have never spoken about this with my mom or dad. The memory is so vivid, as if it happened yesterday, yet I always wondered if it was a dream. But the confirmation came years later after Leona and I were married. My father brought it up to my mom out of nowhere, and confronted her with it. I stood there speechless. It was a surreal moment. But even with that, I never dealt with it at that time, or later.

There are memories as a young child of my mom getting so angry at me for doing something wrong, that she would react with what seemed to be hatred toward me. She would look at me with disdain and say, “You dirty, filthy piece of garbage. You are nothing but trash. You are filthy!” There were other times she would threaten me by calling the orphanage to take me away.

Why would she do this? Why would she want to kill me? Why would she look at me with such disdain and call me something you just throw away? Why would she threaten me to have people take me away?

I have always refused to face these questions. I found that after 50 years, they were buried memories. Whereas I was able to forgive my father, I never came to that point with my mom. I never realized until recently that I even needed to forgive her. Something inside of me refused to deal with it. How can one deal with the fact that your mother wanted you dead?

It was as if I had two different moms. The one I remember with all the memories I shared, and the one from hell. I never noticed this before. It never occurred to me.

Looking back, I think the mom I remember with warm memories started when my brother and sister were born 4 & 6 years later. I tried to put the pieces together – why was she the mom from hell when it was only me?

Both of my parents were casualties of World War 2: they were both orphans at a young age. My dad was the youngest of a brother and six sisters. They tried to raise him, but my dad wasn’t going to have anyone tell him what to do. He would go on his own at a very young age. My mom had the advantage of being raised in a Catholic orphanage.

My mom met my dad. That was the first mistake. Knowing my dad, I think my mom was pregnant with me before they were married. That was the second mistake. This was 1956. A good Catholic girl raised by Nuns is not supposed to do stuff like this.

Then came the Hungarian Revolution in December of 1956. The Soviets came in with tanks three days after the start of the protests. It wasn’t pretty. My mom would share stories of people killed in the streets, including her best friend who was shot and killed before her eyes.

My mom wanted a new life, and my dad followed. Thus the escape from atheistic Communism to America. But I now think she also wanted to leave her home – because of me.

They arrived at Ellis Island, and I think they were married here, in America. There was always something they held from us – and I think this was it. They arrived in January of 1957, and I was born that June.

My mother was stuck with my father. As long as I can remember, she hated him. She hated him for getting her pregnant.. She hated him for the shame she had to endure. She hated him for having to marry him. She hated him for his drinking and his fooling around.

And guess what: I look like him. I was the reason she wore the scarlet letter, and the shame. I was the reason she was stuck with my dad. I was the reminder of her sin. I think she hated herself, and she projected that hatred toward me.

Looking back, I can see when the change happened. Somehow my mom and dad came to terms with each other, and 4 years later my brother was born. My sister followed a year and a half later. My mom was now the mom I knew. It seems that she came to terms with herself, and understood herself as a wife and a mother.

The years went by. And something changed. Instead of my mom hating me, she started to depend on me. She needed to lean on me to deal with being married to my father.

The way my mom dealt with my dad was to have us hate him. She expressed that hatred with anti-dad power rallies. But I was not only to hate dad; she wanted me to replace him. We would plan as a family that when I was old enough, I would drop out of school, get a job, and support the family. She would be free to divorce him.

There were two events that changed the direction of our family. First: my mom had an emotional breakdown with further breakdowns. Second: I surrendered my life to Christ.

I can’t tell you how it feels walking through a ward of a State Mental Hospital at the age of 13. Walking through the floor and surrounded by the patients was unnerving, like something you would see in a movie. You see people who were drugged, people staring at you, people feeling that they were on display – and people who were trying to reach out to you in desperation.

After anxiously looking for her, we finally found mom. She was seated and looked as if she was drugged out of her mind. I have never seen my mother like this before. This strong, beautiful woman sat there looking as if she was a babbling idiot who didn’t recognize me. I was stunned.

I was enraged at the doctors for drugging my mother like this. It seemed that their solution to my mom’s problems was to drug her and store her in a corner somewhere. It was like she was an item you store on a shelf, in order not to deal with her.

My life changed in an instant. The one thing that brought stability in my life was no longer stable, the one thing that was strong in my life seemed broken, disconnected.

Something in me broke, and I felt disconnected. I was lost. This was a turning point in my life. I could have very easily followed a very destructive path.

As I look back I can now see the significance in the timing of all this. I was in the eight grade, and this was the time of reading the New Testament and my search for God.

After I surrendered everything to Christ my life changed. He became my Rock and foundation, and brought healing to my life. He filled me with His Holy Spirit and the overwhelming sense of His love. This wayward son now had a purpose and a destiny.

This change in my life radically effected my family. Instead of being a self absorbed jerk, I was able to love my mom and support her. I became a big brother to my brother and sister, where before I pretty much ignored them. I was able to help my mom through her troubled times, and with daily things like driving her to do errands instead of my dad. This freed her in depending less on my dad, which helped him to be a bit more relaxed.

There is one last memory I would like to share. In 1972 I became a counselor for the Billy Graham Crusade in Cleveland, Ohio. I brought my mom, brother, and my sister for the last day of the Crusade.

It was a gorgeous summer day at Cleveland Stadium. After Billy was done with his sermon, he had an altar call. I explained to my mom that I had to go down to counsel, and I wanted her to stay put so that I could find her.

After I finished counseling, I began to look for mom. I went to the seats where I left her, but she wasn’t there. I finally found her after a search: she had gone down to the stadium field for prayer. I knew she had a relationship with God, but I also knew she needed to desperately grow in her faith.

I could see that she was drawn to pray, and that God was calling her to be closer to Him. But the Lord also gave her another gift. When you come down to pray, a counselor would meet you. When you’re finished, you would meet a head counselor. My mom’s head counselor was George Beverly Shea – a singer that she deeply admired. It was a perfect finish for a wonderful day.

Thus were my high school years: growing in Christ, helping my mom, being a brother, and dealing with my dad.

But, change must always come, and change did come to our family. Something happened that my mom was not prepared for: I fell in love with Leona.

Ah, another story, for another time.

May I share some thoughts?

I have come to realize these memories and feelings have been there all along. The memories would pop up once in a while, but they would go just as quickly. It seems as though I was content in not resolving the emotional issues surrounding the memories. I just never perceived this as a problem.

But there were the signs. I would hesitate to hug someone – I actually felt like shrinking back, afraid the other person would not want anything to do with me. This is not anything I would think about, it would be an automatic reaction. I just never addressed it, and never tried to find out why.

As a young Christian, I would beat myself up for making a mistake, having an impure thought, or committing a sin. This was not simply sorrow over sin, this would be beating my myself in remorse and condemnation over sin. As I look back, I understand my feelings now; I was afraid that God would throw me away.

I at times struggled with the love of God. How could He love me? Why would He love a filthy piece of garbage? If anything, this gave me a sense of awe of the wondrous love of God. He deeply loves us.

Looking back I could see in many ways I was that little boy being held over the railing of a bridge, my legs dangling in mid air, and looking at the river below. But instead of looking into the eyes of someone who wanted to let me go, I saw the eyes of Jesus who always held me close, even when I didn’t know it.

I have forgiven my mom, which is the first step. I am now forcing myself to receive healing from the Father from these memories and feelings that come from them.. It still amazes me that I am effected by something that happened so long ago.

I do know this: the Father deeply loves us. But it will take a lifetime to pursue the understanding of His love, that He has given us in His Son.

Let us finish here with a prayer by St. Paul:

I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.Eph. 3:16-19

Luke 9

1 Then He called His twelve disciples together and gave them power and authority over all demons, and to cure diseases. 2 He sent them to preach the kingdom of God and to heal the sick. 3 And He said to them, “Take nothing for the journey, neither staffs nor bag nor bread nor money; and do not have two tunics apiece.

4 “Whatever house you enter, stay there, and from there depart. 5 And whoever will not receive you, when you go out of that city, shake off the very dust from your feet as a testimony against them.”
6 So they departed and went through the towns, preaching the gospel and healing everywhere.

Herod Seeks to See Jesus

7 Now Herod the tetrarch heard of all that was done by Him; and he was perplexed, because it was said by some that John had risen from the dead, 8 and by some that Elijah had appeared, and by others that one of the old prophets had risen again. 9 Herod said, “John I have beheaded, but who is this of whom I hear such things?” So he sought to see Him.

Feeding the Five Thousand

10 And the apostles, when they had returned, told Him all that they had done. Then He took them and went aside privately into a deserted place belonging to the city called Bethsaida. 11 But when the multitudes knew it, they followed Him; and He received them and spoke to them about the kingdom of God, and healed those who had need of healing. 12 When the day began to wear away, the twelve came and said to Him, “Send the multitude away, that they may go into the surrounding towns and country, and lodge and get provisions; for we are in a deserted place here.”

13 But He said to them, “You give them something to eat.”
And they said, “We have no more than five loaves and two fish, unless we go and buy food for all these people.” 14 For there were about five thousand men.

Then He said to His disciples, “Make them sit down in groups of fifty.” 15 And they did so, and made them all sit down.

16 Then He took the five loaves and the two fish, and looking up to heaven, He blessed and broke them, and gave them to the disciples to set before the multitude. 17 So they all ate and were filled, and twelve baskets of the leftover fragments were taken up by them.
Peter Confesses Jesus as the Christ

18 And it happened, as He was alone praying, that His disciples joined Him, and He asked them, saying, “Who do the crowds say that I am?”

19 So they answered and said, “John the Baptist, but some say Elijah; and others say that one of the old prophets has risen again.”

20 He said to them, “But who do you say that I am?”

Peter answered and said, “The Christ of God.”

Jesus Predicts His Death and Resurrection

21 And He strictly warned and commanded them to tell this to no one, 22 saying, “The Son of Man must suffer many things, and be rejected by the elders and chief priests and scribes, and be killed, and be raised the third day.”

Take Up the Cross and Follow Him

23 Then He said to them all, “If anyone desires to come after Me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross daily,[a] and follow Me. 24 For whoever desires to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for My sake will save it. 25 For what profit is it to a man if he gains the whole world, and is himself destroyed or lost? 26 For whoever is ashamed of Me and My words, of him the Son of Man will be ashamed when He comes in His own glory, and in His Father’s, and of the holy angels.

Jesus Transfigured on the Mount

27 But I tell you truly, there are some standing here who shall not taste death till they see the kingdom of God.”

28 Now it came to pass, about eight days after these sayings, that He took Peter, John, and James and went up on the mountain to pray. 29 As He prayed, the appearance of His face was altered, and His robe became white and glistening. 30 And behold, two men talked with Him, who were Moses and Elijah, 31 who appeared in glory and spoke of His decease which He was about to accomplish at Jerusalem.

32 But Peter and those with him were heavy with sleep; and when they were fully awake, they saw His glory and the two men who stood with Him. 33 Then it happened, as they were parting from Him, that Peter said to Jesus, “Master, it is good for us to be here; and let us make three tabernacles: one for You, one for Moses, and one for Elijah”—not knowing what he said.

34 While he was saying this, a cloud came and overshadowed them; and they were fearful as they entered the cloud. 35 And a voice came out of the cloud, saying, “This is My beloved Son. Hear Him!” 36 When the voice had ceased, Jesus was found alone. But they kept quiet, and told no one in those days any of the things they had seen.

A Boy Is Healed

37 Now it happened on the next day, when they had come down from the mountain, that a great multitude met Him. 38 Suddenly a man from the multitude cried out, saying, “Teacher, I implore You, look on my son, for he is my only child. 39 And behold, a spirit seizes him, and he suddenly cries out; it convulses him so that he foams at the mouth; and it departs from him with great difficulty, bruising him. 40 So I implored Your disciples to cast it out, but they could not.”

41 Then Jesus answered and said, “O faithless and perverse generation, how long shall I be with you and bear with you? Bring your son here.” 42 And as he was still coming, the demon threw him down and convulsed him. Then Jesus rebuked the unclean spirit, healed the child, and gave him back to his father.

Jesus Again Predicts His Death

43 And they were all amazed at the majesty of God.

But while everyone marveled at all the things which Jesus did, He said to His disciples, 44 “Let these words sink down into your ears, for the Son of Man is about to be betrayed into the hands of men.” 45 But they did not understand this saying, and it was hidden from them so that they did not perceive it; and they were afraid to ask Him about this saying.

Who Is the Greatest?

46 Then a dispute arose among them as to which of them would be greatest. 47 And Jesus, perceiving the thought of their heart, took a little child and set him by Him, 48 and said to them, “Whoever receives this little child in My name receives Me; and whoever receives Me receives Him who sent Me. For he who is least among you all will be great.”

Jesus Forbids Sectarianism

49 Now John answered and said, “Master, we saw someone casting out demons in Your name, and we forbade him because he does not follow with us.”

50 But Jesus said to him, “Do not forbid him, for he who is not against us is on our[d] side.”

A Samaritan Village Rejects the Savior

51 Now it came to pass, when the time had come for Him to be received up, that He steadfastly set His face to go to Jerusalem, 52 and sent messengers before His face. And as they went, they entered a village of the Samaritans, to prepare for Him. 53 But they did not receive Him, because His face was set for the journey to Jerusalem. 54 And when His disciples James and John saw this, they said, “Lord, do You want us to command fire to come down from heaven and consume them, just as Elijah did?”[e]

55 But He turned and rebuked them,[f] and said, “You do not know what manner of spirit you are of. 56 For the Son of Man did not come to destroy men’s lives but to save them.”[g] And they went to another village.

The Cost of Discipleship

57 Now it happened as they journeyed on the road, that someone said to Him, “Lord, I will follow You wherever You go.”

58 And Jesus said to him, “Foxes have holes and birds of the air have nests, but the Son of Man has nowhere to lay His head.”

59 Then He said to another, “Follow Me.”

But he said, “Lord, let me first go and bury my father.”

60 Jesus said to him, “Let the dead bury their own dead, but you go and preach the kingdom of God.”

61 And another also said, “Lord, I will follow You, but let me first go and bid them farewell who are at my house.”

62 But Jesus said to him, “No one, having put his hand to the plow, and looking back, is fit for the kingdom of God.”